Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Randomize
