friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
