Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
