New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
