I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
