Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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