Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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