I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
