Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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