i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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