I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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