My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Randomize
