remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
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