Why does Corona taste like a burp?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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