he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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