But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
We are two peas in an std pod
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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