I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
