even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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