textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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