i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
