Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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