I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
