oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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