I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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