i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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