Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
