I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
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