now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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