one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
