i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
