I puked a lego.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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