its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
