It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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