i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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