I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
