Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I AM VODKA MAN
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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