Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If I die, sorry about rent.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
