My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
