can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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