My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
