Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
