You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
