so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
