apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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