so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
