The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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