She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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