So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Randomize
