textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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