1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Randomize
