Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
