hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
