Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
