did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
